Not so daily musings

I am not so sure about this year...

nobody@vox.com(Firefly1234) — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 22:43:12 -0500

This year has been very rough. From my health, to the losses of Winkle, Smokes, Squeeeks and Snipset. Sylvester has developed kidney failure and we thought we were going to lose him last Tuesday because he was in dire straits when we got home after my rehab assessment appointment. And of course he is not a happy camper right now because he is not allowed into the dining room or living room where I am because of his inability to control his bowels. I feel awful. i feel like I am deserting him but I am so immune suppressed that I can't risk it. And then there was the loss of my Aunt Joan last year in 'April and Helen just not so long ago.

Then last night we realized something was wrong with Bunka. He couldn't sit up and was flopped over on his side. By the time we realized this he had probably been without water and food for quite a while as we had been in Toronto for my respirology appointment. We gave him food and water - he was really happy to get it. He gave us lots of kisses. peter made him comfortable and kept him by his side all night. Then around dawn this morning, bunka pushed p's hand away. When p woke up, he had gone.

He was such a huge personality. I never liked rabbits until I met him. He was just so curious and inquisitive.----

Despite how he had been treated in an early life he was loving and caring. He was a rescue rabbit. My neighbours work for the local cable company essentially doing collections and they had seen Bunka on an apartment balcony totally neglected. He was stuck on a balcony with no food or water. Apparently, the person who owned him had remembered to have someone come in and take care of the dog and cat they neglected to mention there was a rabbit on the balcony. My neighbours started feeding him and finally went to the door and said you can't take care of this rabbit, give him to me. Luckily she did hand him over.

His ears were like radars - he would peer around the corner of the doorway and all you would see would be one ear cocked and then the other twitching forward. People couldn't figure out what he was - they often mistook him for a dog or cat. We just always thought he was a boy in a bunny suit. Before we had him neutered he used to chase p up onto a chair where he would run circles down below him - usually because he was trying to mark or spray him! Peter would be on an important phone call killing himself laughing while this furry long haired rabbit ran circles all around his chair humming (rabbits hum) attempting to abuse p’s legs.

My Dad had a thing for a cartoon character named Bun-Bun the lop eared homicidal rabbit - Bun Bun apparently had a switch blade! That year we threatened to get Dad a rabbit for a pet for Christmas. Little did we know we would be shortly adopting a furry bun - Mum and Dad came for Christmas that year to our house. We couldn't be there when they arrived - so we left a note pinned to the wall that said:

Dad your Christmas present is gift wrapped and under the tree.

If all you find is wrapping paper and ribbons your present may have escaped.

It has a habit of chewing on wires. If, you find it still twitching with its little teeth wrapped around some live wire, remember your present will go well with a bit of parsley, sage, thyme one or two carrots and some celery.

At this point, Bunka apparently made an appearance on the scene, peering carefully around the doorway to see who was there.

My mother said: “What is that?”

Dad began howling with laughter.... because he knew right away what was checking them out.

The long & short: We adopted him

Fell in love with him.

And now he's gone...

we are really going to miss him.

peter's eulogy for Bunka:

No more medium dog sized fluff, ears akimbo, galumphing down the hall to meet us at the door. Furry kinked antenna preceding curious rich dark eyes and fuzzy head, relieving new comers of their status as strangers and greeting old friends. Long velvet kisses expressing joy, ownership and an endless love.

When I cried in pain he came running

While others -- cats, dogs, even people -- hid.

Brave in his life, secure in his relation to us

His endless bunny love now ended.

A Bunka shaped tear in my heart – I feel bereft and empty.

Loved you little big one.

Your soft, little boy in a bunny suite, body lies under the red maple.

Love you still.

Wing Clipper! Thou and I must speak.

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I want to break free

nobody@vox.com(Firefly1234) — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 08:36:27 -0500

I am breaking free today -n woot woot. After another thankfully brief stay at Hotel PMH I am supposed to be discharged today. Looking forward to seeing the Critter Crew and being home and and and......

But no more west facing view of the city. I can even see Hamilton from my window when the lake is clear enough. It helps that most of the big steel plants have shut down. Better for the environment not so great for employment. Hamilton is becoming less industrial and more of a university, satellite/bedroom community.

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Frederick the Literate

nobody@vox.com(Firefly1234) — Sat, 30 May 2009 00:15:04 -0500

Here is a picture of the latest project I am working on cross-stitch wise. I haven't got a picture of the WIP yet but will try to get one and upload it to this post at a later date. Been going great guns on it as I've had a lot of time to kill while in hospital these last few weeks. Don't think it will be finished before I go home only because of course I ran out of some of the colours I need and have to contact Dimensions to get them. On my to-do list. So frustrating but that happened with the Memories sample I did for Mum.
The cross stitch is an adaption of a painting by Charles Wysocki. It's interesting because the painting is actually quite different which I supposed shouldn't have surprised me but it did.

UPDATE: here is a picture of my WIP

Frederick 3 WIP

You can see I still have a chunk to fill in on the bottom right hand side . Then comes all the fine detail work of the backstitches etc to make facial features, whiskers stand out, fill in the book titles, use the gold threads for which there are a few areas I have to frog because I didn't realize I needed two strands of the gold thread plus 1 strand of the floss. So I didn't complete it in a five week stay in hospital nor in the subsequent three weeks that I've been home but I would say I've come a fair stint. And of course, the final mounted matted and framed piece will have it's very own pride of blog post when complete!

Here is what the original painting looks like:

Frederick_the_literate-650

Compared to the adaption for the cross-stitch. Interesting differences I guess that have to do with the different flexibilities of the mediums.

Frederick the Literate

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Steffi's Scarf

nobody@vox.com(Firefly1234) — Tue, 12 May 2009 06:51:07 -0500

It is an absolutely gorgeous day out there. Sigh, the third time I've had to miss the outdoors in May due to being in hospital. What a drag.

But the day will be good because at last I get to see peter. I haven't seen him since he left me at emergency. I am so glad he is feeling better.

I wanted to post a picture of the scarf I made for Steffi - finished it in time for the giving for once. It was completed just before Christmas and then next time I saw them at YBR I gave it to her.

The pattern is one of the freebies you get if you buy the yarn requirements from Mary Maxim's. Of course, I've since discovered the yarn's website and they have those patterns posted there freely available. However, you do need yarn to make a scarf - pattern by itself is not much good! I also have the pictures and pattern details posted on Ravelry.com.

Scarf_medium

steffi_scarf

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Truly not so daily musings

nobody@vox.com(Firefly1234) — Mon, 11 May 2009 01:29:35 -0500

Yup, truly not so daily musings. But considering that I now have three blogs on the go. But not so sure that I like using Wordpress as a website option. I think it is an option particularly if not wanting to pay. But I like the flexibility that more traditional webhosting gives you.

In many ways I am starting to think I prefer Vox's layouts etc the best especially in terms of photos, books and lists etc. This despite me using my blogspot blog the most. I am going to have to ponder upon this.

In the meantime it is ridiculously late and considering how tired I've been this week and that I'm in hospital trying to get over being sick and tired I really ought to go to sleep. Despite that I would love to be a night owl as it is my natural tendency. Not this early morning go to work junk thing.

Kirsten

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Winkle - Rainbow Bridge March 25, 2009

nobody@vox.com(Firefly1234) — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 20:54:53 -0500

Winkle, our SCAMP/LAP piggy crossed over the Rainbow Bridge between 4:30 and 5:00 am this morning. He was not quite 6 yrs old. We cuddled with him through the night and I hope it made his passing easier.

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The Newest Members of the Critter Crew: Introducing Oreo Cookie Monster and Buddha Bandit Bear

nobody@vox.com(Firefly1234) — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 13:19:37 -0500

Truth be told p and I should not go into pet stores together. But we did and fell in love. I would like to introduce the two newest members of our Critter Crew to ya all.

Buddha Bandit Bear

Bandit is very sweet. We spent the first five minutes of having him home chasing him down in the living room because as soon as I opened his little box and picked him up he did that thing that hamsters are famous for. He escaped. I did consider naming him Houdini but he told me that wasn't his name: he is Buddha Bandit Bear. He loves his wheel. We do need to get him a bigger wheel as he is MUCH bigger then Snipset and substantially bigger even then TippleScritch was.

Oreo Cookie Monster

Oreo has given Winkle a new lease on life. As the SCAMP (Senior Citizen Aging Miracle Piggy) in residence I think he was feeling very lonely and depressed. P had a flash of inspiration and introduced them - they adore one another. Winks takes his adoptive duties very seriously and Oreo is much happier for the company and friendship.

I had forgotten how small baby cavies are. He is adorable and he is constantly talking. Just like his adoptive dad! He clucks - which is hilarious. And he is quite the jumper. He can jump into the hayrack in a single bound! Amazing. Don't think that will last once he grows into the typical GP body.

TA DA! And there you have them!

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The Spoon Theory by Christine Miserandino

nobody@vox.com(Firefly1234) — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 08:33:37 -0500

I wanted to share the spoon theory with you today. I had been telling a coworker about it a couple of weeks or so ago as she was telling me about her journey to find out why she is tired and run down all the time. She has had many many medical tests performed and has still not come any closer to finding out what is causing her fatigue. Like me, she often has to watch energy expenditure and not go out on fun expeditions or events with friends just because she really doesn't have the energy or doesn't feel up to it or is just plain exhausted from a week that a "normal" person wouldn't find exceptionally tiring. Anyway, I came across this theory a few years ago when I was surfing the net and have shared it with a few people here and there and was amazed (although I shouldn't have been) at the positive reaction to it. Everyone I've shared this with totally related or else they said, it really helps me to understand you and where you are coming from.

The website where The Spoon Theory is posted is http://butyoudontlooksick.com/ and the direct link to an Adobe Acrobat version of The Spoon Theory is here: http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/navigation/BYDLS-TheSpoonTheory.pdf. Most people have Acrobat Reader built into their Internet Browser but if you don't have it you can
Click here for the latest version of Acrobat Reader.

The Spoon Theory by Christine Miserandino. http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/

My best friend and I were in the diner, talking. As usual, it was very late and we were eating French fries with gravy. Like normal girls our age, we spent a lot of time in the diner while in college, and most of the time we spent talking about boys, music or trivial things, that seemed very important at the time. We never got serious about anything in particular and spent most of our time laughing.
As I went to take some of my medicine with a snack as I usually did, she watched me with an awkward kind of stare, instead of continuing the conversation. She then asked me out of the blue what it felt like to have Lupus and be sick. I was shocked not only because she asked the random question, but also because I assumed she knew all there was to know about Lupus. She came to doctors with me, she saw me walk with a cane, and throw up in the bathroom. She had seen me cry in pain, what else was there to know?

I started to ramble on about pills, and aches and pains, but she kept pursuing, and didn't seem satisfied with my answers. I was a little surprised as being my roommate in college and friend for years; I thought she already knew the medical definition of Lupus. Then she looked at me with a face every sick person knows well, the face of pure curiosity about something no one healthy can truly understand. She asked what it felt like, not physically, but what it felt like to be me, to be sick.
As I tried to gain my composure, I glanced around the table for help or guidance, or at least stall for time to think. I was trying to find the right words. How do I answer a question I never was able to answer for myself? How do I explain every detail of every day being effected, and give the emotions a sick person goes through with clarity. I could have given up, cracked a joke like I usually do, and changed the subject, but I remember thinking if I don’t try to explain this, how could I ever expect her to understand. If I can’t explain this to my best friend, how could I explain my world to anyone else? I had to at least try.

At that moment, the spoon theory was born. I quickly grabbed every spoon on the table; hell I grabbed spoons off of the other tables. I looked at her in the eyes and said “Here you go, you have Lupus”. She looked at me slightly confused, as anyone would when they are being handed a bouquet of spoons. The cold metal spoons clanked in my hands, as I grouped them together and shoved them into her hands.
I explained that the difference in being sick and being healthy is having to make choices or to consciously think about things when the rest of the world doesn’t have to. The healthy have the luxury of a life without choices, a gift most people take for granted.

Most people start the day with unlimited amount of possibilities, and energy to do whatever they desire, especially young people. For the most part, they do not need to worry about the effects of their actions. So for my explanation, I used spoons to convey this point. I wanted something for her to actually hold, for me to then take away, since most people who get sick feel a “loss” of a life they once knew. If I was in control of taking away the spoons, then she would know what it feels like to have someone or something else, in this case Lupus, being in control.
She grabbed the spoons with excitement. She didn’t understand what I was doing, but she is always up for a good time, so I guess she thought I was cracking a joke of some kind like I usually do when talking about touchy topics. Little did she know how serious I would become?

I asked her to count her spoons. She asked why, and I explained that when you are healthy you expect to have a never-ending supply of "spoons". But when you have to now plan your day, you need to know exactly how many “spoons” you are starting with. It doesn’t guarantee that you might not lose some along the way, but at least it helps to know where you are starting. She counted out 12 spoons. She laughed and said she wanted more. I said no, and I knew right away that this little game would work, when she looked disappointed, and we hadn't even started yet. I’ve wanted more "spoons" for years and haven’t found a way yet to get more, why should she? I also told her to always be conscious of how many she had, and not to drop them because she can never forget she has Lupus.

I asked her to list off the tasks of her day, including the most simple. As, she rattled off daily chores, or just fun things to do; I explained how each one would cost her a spoon. When she jumped right into getting ready for work as her first task of the morning, I cut her off and took away a spoon. I practically jumped down her throat. I said " No! You don’t just get up. You have to crack open your eyes, and then realize you are late. You didn’t sleep well the night before. You have to crawl out of bed, and then you have to make your self something to eat before you can do anything else, because if you don’t, you can't take your medicine, and if you don’t take your medicine you might as well give up all your spoons for today and tomorrow too." I quickly took away a spoon and she realized she hasn’t even gotten dressed yet. Showering cost her spoon, just for washing her hair and shaving her legs. Reaching high and low that early in the morning could actually cost more than one spoon, but I figured I would give her a break; I didn’t want to scare her right away. Getting dressed was worth another spoon. I stopped her and broke down every task to show her how every little detail needs to be thought about. You cannot simply just throw clothes on when you are sick. I explained that I have to see what clothes I can physically put on, if my hands hurt that day buttons are out of the question. If I have bruises that day, I need to wear long sleeves, and if I have a fever I need a sweater to stay warm and so on. If my hair is falling out I need to spend more time to look presentable, and then you need to factor in another 5 minutes for feeling badly that it took you 2 hours to do all this.

I think she was starting to understand when she theoretically didn’t even get to work, and she was left with 6 spoons. I then explained to her that she needed to choose the rest of her day wisely, since when your “spoons” are gone, they are gone. Sometimes you can borrow against tomorrow’s "spoons", but just think how hard tomorrow will be with less "spoons". I also needed to explain that a person who is sick always lives with the looming thought that tomorrow may be the day that a cold comes, or an infection, or any number of things that could be very dangerous. So you do not want to run low on "spoons", because you never know when you truly will need them. I didn’t want to depress her, but I needed to be realistic, and unfortunately being prepared for the worst is part of a real day for me.

We went through the rest of the day, and she slowly learned that skipping lunch would cost her a spoon, as well as standing on a train, or even typing at her computer too long. She was forced to make choices and think about things differently. Hypothetically, she had to choose not to run errands, so that she could eat dinner that night.

When we got to the end of her pretend day, she said she was hungry. I summarized that she had to eat dinner but she only had one spoon left. If she cooked, she wouldn’t have enough energy to clean the pots. If she went out for dinner, she might be too tired to drive home safely. Then I also explained, that I didn’t even bother to add into this game, that she was so nauseous, that cooking was probably out of the question anyway. So she decided to make soup, it was easy. I then said it is only 7pm, you have the rest of the night but maybe end up with one spoon, so you can do something fun, or clean your apartment, or do chores, but you can’t do it all.
I rarely see her emotional, so when I saw her upset I knew maybe I was getting through to her. I didn’t want my friend to be upset, but at the same time I was happy to think finally maybe someone understood me a little bit. She had tears in her eyes and asked quietly “Christine, How do you do it? Do you really do this everyday?” I explained that some days were worse then others; some days I have more spoons then most. But I can never make it go away and I can’t forget about it, I always have to think about it. I handed her a spoon I had been holding in reserve. I said simply, “I have learned to live life with an extra spoon in my pocket, in reserve. You need to always be prepared”

Its hard, the hardest thing I ever had to learn is to slow down, and not do everything. I fight this to this day. I hate feeling left out, having to choose to stay home, or to not get things done that I want to. I wanted her to feel that frustration. I wanted her to understand, that everything everyone else does comes so easy, but for me it is one hundred little jobs in one. I need to think about the weather, my temperature that day, and the whole day's plans before I can attack any one given thing. When other people can simply do things, I have to attack it and make a plan like I am strategizing a war. It is in that lifestyle, the difference between being sick and healthy. It is the beautiful ability to not think and just do. I miss that freedom. I miss never having to count "spoons".

After we were emotional and talked about this for a little while longer, I sensed she was sad. Maybe she finally understood. Maybe she realized that she never could truly and honestly say she understands. But at least now she might not complain so much when I can't go out for dinner some nights, or when I never seem to make it to her house and she always has to drive to mine. I gave her a hug when we walked out of the diner. I had the one spoon in my hand and I said “Don’t worry. I see this as a blessing. I have been forced to think about everything I do. Do you know how many spoons people waste everyday? I don’t have room for wasted time, or wasted “spoons” and I chose to spend this time with you.”

Ever since this night, I have used the spoon theory to explain my life to many people. In fact, my family and friends refer to spoons all the time. It has been a code word for what I can and cannot do. Once people understand the spoon theory they seem to understand me better, but I also think they live their life a little differently too. I think it isn’t just good for understanding Lupus, but anyone dealing with any disability or illness. Hopefully, they don’t take so much for granted or their life in general. I give a piece of myself, in every sense of the word when I do anything. It has become an inside joke. I have become famous for saying to people jokingly that they should feel special when I spend time with them, because they have one of my "spoons".

© 2003 by Christine Miserandino Butyoudontlooksick.com
Please note that this story is copyrighted and should not be reprinted in any form without permission from the author. Feel free link to “The Spoon Theory” at www.butyoudontlooksick.com/the_spoon_theory - Thank you!

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From the Globe and Mail today - Rick Moranis in Opinions

nobody@vox.com(Firefly1234) — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 08:29:52 -0500

Bummer about those lost savings

Article
Comments (13)

RICK MORANIS

From Wednesday's Globe and Mail

February 24, 2009 at 8:14 PM EST

Sir George S. Mammon
The Mammon Company
Formerly of Lloyd Harbor, N.Y.

Feb. 25, 2009

Dear Clients and Friends,

I am writing to you from an undisclosed location on an untraceable laptop hoping that you are all well and not too angry with me.

As you know, I had little choice but to leave the North Shore of Long Island last week, quite hastily, after it became apparent I could no longer disguise the fact that, for the past 35 years, I misplaced all your money.

As I've said over and over in my annual letter, it has been my sincere honour and pleasure to have served you and your families' financial needs.

Many of you became "like family" to Sugar and me, and we shared the happiest of times together. I hope somehow that the good memories you have aren't tainted by the recent circumstances of my and your money's disappearance. Like you, I have watched our economy suffer the consequences of poor oversight, a lack of transparency and outright unmitigated greed.

Were it not for the financial mess the country is in right now, I would have been able to sustain the illusion of continuing growth and liquidity I so rigorously worked at establishing for more than three decades.

I share in your displeasure and fear about current conditions and wish I could say that I were optimistic, and comforted with the direction our government officials seem to be heading. I can assure you that, had I legitimately been investing in the holdings that were indicated on your monthly statements, you would be finding yourselves in almost as challenging a situation as you do now.

Many of you introduced me to good friends and family members who joined the Mammon investment community. For that, I am extremely grateful.

Many of you are aware of the extent to which TMC (The Mammon Company) held a special place in the philanthropic world of Nassau County's educational, religious and medical institutions. The countless gifts and vast amounts of money that I was able to donate all these many years were made possible by you, though I received the tax deductions.

Believe me, when a patient is receiving the highest quality reconstructive facial surgery, it doesn't matter whose name is on the building.

Now, the healing must begin.

I also hope you'll take pride in the tremendous contributions you made providing prosperous livelihoods to the many employees around the world whose devoted service to TMC allowed their many children to go to college. The flight captains and crews of our three gorgeous aircraft, the entire crew of "Moolah IV" and all the previous yachts, the housekeeping staffs, landscapers and service people in Malibu, Aspen, Scottsdale, Bermuda, Mayfair and the Seychelles. Every time you entrusted your hard-earned assets to TMC, the wheels of commerce turned a little faster. Because of your commitment and undying belief in the integrity of our service, true unbridled capitalism could flourish. New wealth was deployed for the benefit of many, while regressive and punishing international tax was rigidly kept to an absolute minimum.

Speaking of tax, let me give a word of advice to the many of you who took redemptions in order to remit required taxes on perceived capital gains and dividends. Because the actual transactions are somewhat questionable, the tax can be recaptured by refiling returns. I don't believe there is a statute of limitations in these kinds of cases. My sons Georgie and Niko, who had absolutely nothing to do with, and who had no knowledge whatsoever of, TMC's investment operations, are both exceptionally gifted at the kind of forensic accounting many of you may require. I invite you to contact them for reasonably priced counsel and execution.

May I say here that if I were advising our new President, I'd tell him to privatize the Internal Revenue Service and Securities and Exchange Commission or, at minimum, appoint a "coin czar." Financial and career incentives to bring tax evaders and other felonious operators to justice would be capital better-spent than all the stimulus and bailout money a high-speed press can print. In the hopefully unlikely event of my capture, I'd be honoured to plead my way into consideration for such a position.

I will miss very much the day-to-day interaction with all of you, not only professionally, but at the golf and beach clubs, the casino and masquerade nights and the many different vacation spots where many of us first met and would somehow always seem to run into each other.

I hope you will continue to be warm, kind and generous to Sugar now that I am gone. Like Georgie and Niko, she knew absolutely nothing about TMC. I can unconditionally guarantee that those cash withdrawals last week were a complete coincidence and were only done in order to facilitate some previously structured estate-planning strategies.

For those of you who spent time with us in Florida, you'll be happy to know that Sugar will be retaining possession of that beautiful home; I'm sure she also will be delighted to have company with her in Naples whenever possible.

Well, friends, I hear the train whistle. Or was that a boat? I guess I'll be on my way. I will endeavour to keep in touch as I make my journey through my new life.

I pray that God and our new President can somehow steer us through these rough waters, or bumpy roads, and that prosperity will return to your great country once again.

Sorry about the money.

And thanks to every one of you.

Ciao for now,

George

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Sweet 16

nobody@vox.com(Firefly1234) — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 15:59:29 -0500

It's been 16 years since I first found out I had leukemia. Happy anniversary to me!

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